Lack of proper communication is often at the heart of relational issues in marriage, in the home, in the church, and even in the workplace. In attempting to remedy these communication problems, an emphasis is often placed on the importance of speaking in a proper way. This is a great truth to emphasize! Our speech should be guided by the principles of God’s Word.
However, there is another aspect of communication that is often overlooked and not emphasized enough. That aspect of communication is being a good listener!
What does it mean to be a good listener?
First, we must recognize that God is a good listener! The Bible says of God the Father: “For the eyes of the Lord are over the righteous, and his ears are open unto their prayers…” (1 Pet. 3:12a). God the Son (Jesus) said: “…All things that I have heard of my Father I have made known unto you.” (Jn. 15:15). His ears were always attentive to the Father. The Bible says of God the Holy Spirit that “…he shall not speak of himself; but whatsoever he shall hear, that shall he speak…” (Jn. 16:13). Whatever the Spirit heard from the Son, He would deliver to the apostles. “The fact that our triune God is a good listener should powerfully motivate us to improve in this area. The three persons of the Trinity listen carefully to each other and, amazingly, to us!” (Wayne Mack) As believers, we are called to “be ye…followers [lit. ‘imitators’] of God” (Eph. 5:1). Imitating God means learning to be a good listener!
Second, to be a good listener we must learn to listen with our whole person! Both the inner man (our heart/mind/emotions) and the outer man (the ear/body language) should be involved in listening.
How do we listen with the outer man (the ear/body language)?
In the book Your Family, God’s Way, Wayne Mack provides some tips on the physical aspects of good listening.
He uses the acronym ‘SOLER’ to detai
l some helpful aspects of good listening with the ‘outer man’.
‘S’ stands for ‘squared stance’- “When listening, don’t turn your side or back to the person who is attempting to communicate with you. By facing the speaker you are indicating, ‘What you are saying is really important to me.’”
‘O’ stands for ‘open stance’- “A closed stance communicates: ‘I’m not going to let you close to me. I want to keep you at a distance.’ In an open stance, the listener relaxes his arms, hands, and shoulders as if to say: ‘I am here to receive whatever you want to communicate.’”
‘L’ is a reminder that good listener ‘leans slightly forward’ when talking with another person- “By doing this he communicates, ‘I really want to make sure I hear everything you have to say.’”
‘E’ stands for ‘eye contact’- “A good listener looks right at the other person and avoids giving the impression that he is in a hurry or that his thoughts are elsewhere.”
‘R’ stands for ‘relaxed posture’- “This tells the speaker that the listener is not nervous, ill at ease, or impatient, and sets the speaker more at ease.”
How do we listen with the inner man (the heart/mind/emotions)?
This involves listening with your mind engaged in what the person is saying (i.e., not allowing your mind to wander; not thinking of something else; not thinking of the next thing you want to say).
This also involves listening with your emotions engaged and trying to feel what the other person is feeling. This principle is found in Romans 12:15- “Rejoice with them that do rejoice, and weep with them that weep.”
Consider the following: “We have no good basis for responding to what another person is saying until, to some extent, we have begun to feel what they are feeling. When we respond to people without investing the time and effort to empathize, our relationships and communication will be hollow. People will conclude that we neither understand nor care…Families often violate this principle of good listening. As we listen to another family member, our intellect may tell us that he has no valid cause for what he is thinking or feeling. When a child expresses irrational fears, parents often jump in quickly and explain why his fears are unfounded. When a wife is anxious or upset about a situation, many a husband hurriedly responds with what he considers incontrovertible evidence for the foolishness of such concerns. When a family member gets excited about an opportunity or activity in which you see no value, how easy it is to prick that person’s balloon of enthusiasm. Certainly there is a time for using logic, a time for giving explanations and corrections, a time for showing why certain feelings and responses are unfounded. In general, though, we will be much better prepared to offer words of wisdom and the other person will be much more likely to receive them if we have taken the time to listen with our inner as well as outer man.” (Mack- Your Family, God’s Way)
Third, to be a good listener requires self-control & discipline.
Learning to listen well does not come naturally but takes self-control and self-discipline. Many verses command us to learn to listen well:
Psalm 78:1- “Give ear, O my people, to my law: incline your ears to the words of my mouth.”
Proverbs 7:24- “Hearken [listen] unto me now therefore, O ye children, and attend to the words of my mouth.”
Jeremiah 13:15- “Hear ye, and give ear; be not proud: for the LORD hath spoken.”
James 1:19- “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”
Many more verses could be given that talk about the importance of hearing well! We need to learn how to listen attentively to God’s Word but we also need to learn to listen attentively when others speak to us. This takes discipline and hard work because it does not come naturally. Our natural (fleshly) response is to invert James 1:19 and to be quick to wrath, quick to speak, and slow to hear. Instead, we are to be ‘swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath’.
Learning to listen well means not interrupting others when they are speaking to us. It means really listening (with your whole person- giving your full attention) to what they have to say before giving your opinion.
Fourth, to be a good listener requires selflessness and humility.
The selfish person lives as though the world revolves around themselves. They think of themselves first, they put their own needs/desires first, their conversations are filled with talking about themselves (their accomplishments, their good deeds, their talents), their goal in life is self-preservation, self-exaltation, and self-gratification.
Clearly this is contrary to the spirit of true Christianity which calls us to a life of selflessness and humility:
“Let nothing be done through strife or vainglory; but in lowliness of mind let each esteem other better than themselves. Look not every man on his own things, but every man also on the things of others.” (Phil. 2:3-4)
In the book Your Family, God’s Way, Wayne Mack says the following:
“It is pride that says: ‘Make sure you draw attention to yourself. Choose the topics for discussion. What you want to talk about is more relevant than what other family members may want to talk about. Your problems and concerns are more serious than theirs. Take every opportunity to tell people who you know, how much you know, what you have accomplished. Everyone will be interested in a rehearsal of your experiences and achievements.’
Humility stands diametrically opposed to this kind of thinking and behavior. According to the Bible, if you are a wise and humble person you will: (1) appreciate and listen to the counsel of others (Prov. 12:15); (2) respectfully hear what others have to say before you give your opinion on issues (Prov. 18:2); (3) refrain from drawing conclusions or giving counsel until you have really listened carefully (Prov. 18:13); (4) recognize that your viewpoint on an issue may be biased because it is based on insufficient data or colored by selfish interests (Prov. 18:17); (5) carefully consider the insights and perspectives of other people (Prov. 26:12, 16); (6) ‘be swift to hear, slow to speak, and slow to wrath [anger]’ (James 1:19).
Listening is a way of serving other people. It’s a way of esteeming others to be better than yourself (Phil. 2:3). It doesn’t take any humility to talk, but it takes a lot of humility to really listen.”
Concluding Thoughts
In closing, it is important to realize that God calls His children to be wise in how they speak but also to be wise in how they listen. Listening well will grow us in our vertical relationship with God but it will also grow us in our horizontal relationships with others (our spouse, parents, children, pastor, church members, friends, family, coworkers, etc).
I would encourage you to read and meditate upon the following verses that encourage godly listening:
Prov. 18:2- “A fool hath no delight in understanding, but that his heart may discover itself.”
Albert Barnes commentary on Prov. 18:2- “Another form of egotism. In “understanding,” i. e., self-knowledge, the “fool” finds no pleasure; but self-assertion, talking about himself and his own opinions, is his highest joy.”
Prov. 18:13- “He that answereth a matter before he heareth it, it is folly and shame unto him.”
Prov. 18:15- “The heart of the prudent getteth knowledge; and the ear of the wise seeketh knowledge.”
Prov. 19:20- “Hear counsel, and receive instruction, that thou mayest be wise in thy latter end.”
Prov. 29:11- “A fool uttereth all his mind: but a wise man keepeth it in till afterwards.”
James 1:19- “Wherefore, my beloved brethren, let every man be swift to hear, slow to speak, slow to wrath:”
~Pastor Aaron Francis
